Who We Are
by charis-chan
Summary: After I ran away there was no point in asking for attention. My new mission was to survive and to learn to blend in the streets. It didn't go too well, but in the end I found Bo and the rest of the gang. In the sevenish years I lived stealing and selling my body I forgot how it was to have the need to be loved. I forgot how it was to actually seek comfort. AU. Kenzi-centered.


Author's Note: This sonfic is set somewhere in between the events that happened in chapter 9 of my story _Unlovable, _so I highly recommend to read that one first as to not get too lost in this one. I love Kenzi and there is just something that she needed to say in accordance to the events in the story mentioned above. Is not a sequel, simply a look at what Kenzi thought during her trial.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, but my imagination and Dr. Alyssa Scordato. The song featured in this story is _Who We Are_ by Xandria and I intend no harm or profit in using it.

Warning: Somewhat offensive language and mentions of rape and abuse.

XxXxX

I guess I can't really blame her, can I?

Is not like I had been honest with her these past two years, but, really, how could I tell her I was no who she thought I was? It was not like I could easily go to her and tell her: "Hey, remember that time I introduced myself? Yeah, just right after you've save me from that creepy bastard at the bar… well, you see, I lied, my name's not Kenzi, I'm Sasha, but I really prefer Alex, nice to meet you… again." Fuck. The. Hell. NO.

Oh, God! Why didn't I just came clear to her the very first time?! Oh, right, because I've programed myself to introduce me like that… right. But I've been honest with her about everything else, right? Right?

_One eye is green, one eye is black  
Life threw me down, love broke my neck_

It is kind of sick to introduce myself with the name my pimp chose the very first night I was sold, but I knew better than to say my real name. I know for a fact that the woman who called herself my mother did searched for me, and that, combined with Nika's death, the police was more than glad to help her look for her only other missing child. She did gave up fairly quickly, claiming I must have died too. I know she didn't bury me, no. There's no rock with my name in the family cemetery, nor there is something related to me in my brother's crypt.

Either way, I know she stopped searching for me mere months after I ran away… I think. But really, what other choice did I had? That man was abusing me physically, mentally and sexually, and nobody believed me when I tell them. For them I was just a little troubled girl, with a really vivid imagination and bed-wetting problems. My Aunts thought I was infantile and my cousins thought I was stupid. My mother taught me as a liar and my brother was, well, very much centered in himself. Only my stepfather looked my way, but it was only with the sick intention of doing something truly hurtful to me.

_I've made mistakes, I'm just a girl  
Who wants to live her life_

Thief. Robber. Liar. Artist con. Kleptomaniac. Untrusty. Burglar. Extortionist. Whore.

Call me as you like. I've been one of those at least once in my life. And I'm not ashamed. I played the cards destiny gave me, I made the better I could with my stupid excuse of a life. I tried to survive without hurting others, and I managed it, simply by hurting myself. Sometimes I did it because I knew I had to eat, other times, because I was forced to.

I didn't enjoy my youth. Yes, I know I sound like an old hag, but really, looking back I feel like I'm so much older than what I really are. I'm seventeen, closer to eighteen, but still, seventeen… I'm still in my teens and yet I feel if I had already lived all I had to live. I'm not saying I want to die, no, but I truly believe I deserve a chance to close my eyes and relax. Don't you?

_And if I was wrong, I tried to be right  
I wanted to survive_

I guess this is simply part of what I have written in my destiny. I did everything within my power to actually be someone, to actually have a chance to live. I'm proud to say I haven't kill yet. Not because I didn't have the motive to do so, or because I lack the knowledge, or because I hadn't the necessity to do it, no. I haven't killed because that is not what I want to become.

I'm good being who I am. Whether I'm Kenzi or Sasha, I'm fine by it. It really didn't mattered once I found Bo. Yes, I was a runaway kid, with family still living somewhere in Scarborough, but I was my own person. I was Kenzi because being Sasha was simply impossible… even though we are both the same. Sasha became Kenzi, but Kenzi never ceased to be Sasha. I changed. I grew up. But I was never different from what I am, at least I like to think so.

_Who we are  
And who we want to be  
Is not the same all the time_

So, yes, I guess what happened was my fault as it was my sister's. Why do I keep calling her that? I never did out loud, not when I was drunk, not when I was high (yes, I used to get high, but nobody really noticed), not when I was my 'normal' self. I guess I felt it, I felt like she was my sister, the one that took Nika's place in a way no other being had ever been able to. It was not like she replaced my brother, she was simply _mine._

She was my safe place. My heaven. My light in between so much darkness. She was the kind of person I've always wanted to meet my whole life. But I was not exactly what she thought I was. I knew her from the beginning. She didn't know me. I knew she was a creature I've only read about in my childhood's stories. She didn't knew I was a runaway since age 8. I knew she wasn't sure who she was. She didn't know my name was not Kenzi. I knew she was powerful and so filled with righteousness. She didn't know I see ghosts and was the stepdaughter of a monster.

_And what we say  
And what we want to say  
Is not the same sometimes_

I swear I didn't want to lie. I swear I didn't want this to come this far… yet it did. My Babka always told me lying was only asking for the truth to be told in the most embarrassing and messy way. She told me there was no honor and goodness in the people that lied to live. She always spanked us when we lied to her… I was pretty much the only times she ever laid a hand on me, yet I have forgotten that until now.

My life had been revolving around lies. I was such a fool. I am still such a fool. Who I was, what old I was, where I was from… everything was a lie. I was a lie… but even, so, Lauren accepted me, why couldn't _she_?

_No doubt, I'm okay, but okay is out  
My heart's so silent, my voice too loud_

The pain is almost nonexistent now. The collar did make its job, but it also made me icy. I'm not really all that connected with my emotions now that I'm wearing it and that bothers me. Not feeling is something I would ever wish for anybody, not even for my worst enemy… hell even the freaking Garuda should never experience this. I feel like an stupid kettle more often than not. I feel confused, the only emotion I'm entitled to feel with the stupid collar on. I know this little knickknack is the only thing that they could come up to help me, well that and my disgusting milkshake I'm force-fed every morning, and I'm grateful for that, but that doesn't mean I am happy… not that I can really feel anything.

Ahhg. My fucking life is chaos right now. I feel like a stupid kettle, I know I've said it, but that's how it is. I feel the pressure of the emotions, but not the emotions per se. That's why Lauren was nice and let me take the collar off when she and I come home from the clinic… heck, even Trick would be glad to let me take it for some minutes when I stay with him. And that when I love them the most… no kidding.

_Why do they hurt me, why do I  
Hurt them, why do I care?_

Wearing the collar only allows me to think. I've always been alone. My Babka was the only one to really notice me, but after she passed away, well, everybody kind of forgot me. Nika, Dima, Yura, the rest of my cousins, Aunt Ludmilla, my Mama… everybody just look my way, but none of them _looked_ at me. I've always asked for their attention and their love, but they wouldn't share. Shortly before Nika died something changed, my brother came home and found that bastard just minutes away from rapping me again and then it was like he had opened his eyes. She saw the bruises, the scratches, the fear in my eyes. But that didn't last long. He died and I escaped.

After I ran away there was no point in asking for attention. My new mission was to survive and to learn to blend in the streets. It didn't go too well, but in the end I found Bo and the rest of the gang. In the sevenish years I lived stealing and selling my body I forgot how it was to have the need to be loved. I forgot how it was to actually seek comfort. I met Bo and I was that little girl again, trying to prove the world I was there, that I was lovable, that I was a person. She saw me. Oh, God. She _loved me_.

_I want to start again from beginning  
But I don't dare_

Bo no longer looks my way. She acts the same way my Mama, Nika and everybody acted when I was a kid. It hurts. It hurts so much. I feel it every time the dammed collar is off and yet is a feeling I relish. It means there's something within me that still is looking forward to be loved. Lauren is great… everyone is great, really. They love me and I love them. I wish that could be enough. That _should_ be enough. Having Lauren's love should be enough. After all she was the first to love me, the girl that was only really loved by her Babka and that was only overlooked by the rest of the world in the exact way that I needed. But Bo is different: she was the first one to love me for who I was, and after knowing what that love was, I can't simply look back and pretend it didn't exist. Knowing she loved me and then stopped… is just unbearable.

Alyssa told me she could help me. I know she cares for me and that she is my friend, but her being a memory eater makes me still doubtful about her offer. She has the ability to erase my memory, leaving me like a blank canvas ready to be painted again. But I'm not sure. Sure the bad memories would be erased, but so would the good ones: the day I finally ran away from Mum Lila, the day I stole my first hundred, the six months I managed to travel down to Mexico when I was fifteen, the day I met Bo and Lauren and Trick and Hale… being honest, the only thing I don't want to lose is the two years I lived like never before with all that loved me at some point… I don't want to forget my life with Bo… but, that's what makes me feel so bad.

God dammit! My life is so messed up. If I could only try and-

XxXxX

"Hey, baby, what are you doing?"

The soft voice came from behind her and made her jump, the pen in her hand not finishing the sentence she was intend to write. "Don't do that!" Kenzi whined, truly scared.

Lauren was immediately at her side on the couch, hugging her. "I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't mean to scare you."

Kenzi cuddled into the doctor's arms, and snuggled into the warmth that should be enough for her to be happy. "It's okay. Just don't do it again."

Lauren kissed the top of the raven-haired girl's head. "What are you doing?" she asked again after some minutes of simply enjoying the lithe girl at her side.

"Homework." She huffed. "Alyssa told me to write down what I was thinking when it became too much to actually process it… but I feel more confused than I did when I started."

Lauren smiled, truly happy to see that Kenzi was making an effort to help herself. "Maybe that's the point. You know, the more complicated it gets, the closer the price is."

Kenzi huffed again. "Yeah, if this was a game or a T.V. series, maybe, but this is real life." She then frowned and a heavy height settled in her chest. She was obviously out of the collar. "It is helping, though. I'm realizing things I didn't dare to actually process."

"Then is all good, right?" Lauren asked concerned.

The ex-thief looked at her keeper. She knew that look, those eyes. Those were the eyes she always saw when Lauren was scared for her. She loved the older woman with all her heart and knowing that she was loved back was one of the main factors she didn't want Dr. Scordato to erase her memories.

Yet, there should be a way to stop yearning for things that would never be. There should be.

So, with a happy smile and the most sincere voice she could muster she kissed Lauren on the cheek before returning to her brand new journal. She hated lying, especially to Lauren, but this time she didn't have a choice. "No worries, all is good."

_Who we are  
And who we want to be  
Is not the same all the time  
And what we say  
And what we want to say  
Is not the same sometimes_

XxXxX

A/N: Thoughts? Comments? Please, share. And thanks for reading


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